


Reach Me

by moonshoesangel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, infant deaths mentioned, mentioned abortion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-03 13:32:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6612496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonshoesangel/pseuds/moonshoesangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years after the end of Amara, Dean still suffers the loss of his best friend- the angel he loved. A case too morbid for them to ignore leads the Winchester brothers to Virginia where they find someone they never thought they would see again.</p>
<p>Can they give him back what he lost? Can Dean bring himself to tell him the truth about how he feels?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Falls Church

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Slangaroos!
> 
> YES I'm at it again. This will be a multi-chapter with (amazingly) no smut for a few chapters but the words are dirty so it is M rated. Sorry, kiddies.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy. I come up with this random shit in the car on the way to and from work every day so I'm just gonna throw it up and hope it sticks!

Three years.

Dean sat straight up in the bed, sweat beading at his hairline and chest heaving. Three years since the battle between Amara and Lucifer and he still had nightmares. 

He leaned forward against his knees and ran his shaking hands through his sweaty hair. His chest ached with guilt as he saw the momentary look of clarity on Castiel's face- the look of fear and desperation before he was just gone, Lucifer dead and Amara dying. Dean looked up from after the blinding light dissipated and Castiel was gone. Dean wasn't sure if he left of his own accord or if he had been killed by the blast and atomized, but he screamed himself hoarse calling out to the angel to no avail. He felt an emptiness inside him. Sam finally came up and wrapped an arm around his chest.

"He's gone, Dean...he's gone."

Three years to the day and Dean still felt tears stinging the back of his eyelids when he thought about it. Guilt always tore at his chest. There was more that he could have done- could have said- to keep Castiel from feeling like he had to do what he did. Now, he thought, it's too late. He steadied his breathing and looked over at the clock, seeing it was mid-morning and he needed to get up. 

Sam was in the kitchen, laptop open and a pot of coffee brewing.

"You look like shit," Sam glanced up at him. Dean sighed and walked over to wait on the coffee. Sam looked back over at him, his face showing concern.

"Another one? Dean, you have to stop this-"

"Drop it, Sam," Dean said gruffly. Sam sighed and turned back to his laptop.

"Well, I have something here that may take your mind off it. A baby at a hospital in Falls Church, Virginia, died mysteriously in the mother's room. Fourth one in a month."

Dean furrowed his brow. "Babies are fragile...sometimes they just die in their sleep."

"None of the babies had any congenital heart defects or respiratory problems. We gotta check this out, Dean, I mean it sounds like it could be a real case."

Dean slid his eyes closed. "Sam, you know what today is-"

"Yeah, I do, and if it's anything like last year, you'll spend the day blaming yourself and drinking until you pass out. Let's do something good instead."

Dean really liked the sound of drinking until he passed out, but Sam was right. "Fine...I'll drink some coffee, pack up and we'll hit the road."

After a while, Dean was stuffing a duffle in his room full of clothes and weapons. He finished and plopped down on his bed, waiting for Sam to come by and let him know he was ready. He reached into the side table by the bed and pulled out a small bottle of whiskey, downing about a quarter of the bottle with a shiver. Sam could drive, he decided. Dean opened the bedside table again and sifted through the junk in there until he found what he was looking for. 

It was a photo that no one- not even the subject of the photo- knew he had. Castiel sat at the table in the bunker, coat and suit jacket removed, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and tie sitting next to a glass of whiskey on the table. He was reading an old book and had his hand in his hair, resting his head. The light was just right to emphasize his profile and Dean couldn't help himself. He snapped the photo on his phone. Back then, Dean kept his feelings about Castiel to himself, hoping they would simply go away. They didn't, however. They grew stronger with each passing day. When Castiel died, Dean's heart shattered in his chest. He spent days and nights for months praying to him, telling him he was sorry and that he loved him and he wished he had told him sooner. He cursed himself and Castiel. He cried himself to sleep. After months, Sam finally figured it out. It wasn't exactly easier for Dean when Sam knew, but he discovered Sam was ok with it and he finally had someone else besides the darkness of his bedroom to talk to about it. Each night, before bed, Dean would look at the photo and tell Castiel goodnight and that he loved him. Every hunt he went on the photo was tucked safely in his father's journal.

That's exactly what he did with it then, settling the journal back into the space between his jeans and t-shirts.

"You ready?" Sam stood at the door, bag over his shoulder. 

Dean blinked heavily. "Yeah. You drive," he indicated the bottle in his hand and lifted his bag. Sam rolled his eyes, but took the keys Dean handed to him all the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Falls Church was blanketed with a thin layer of snow when they reached it. They parked outside the hospital and Sam flipped through their badges, finding the CDC identification.

Dean took his silently and blinked away the swimming sensation from drinking the whole ride over. He had slept some of it off, but he could still feel it.

"I can't believe we're about to interview witnesses and you're fucking drunk," Sam shook his head.

"I'm good, Sam," Dean said sternly. "Let's just find out what's happening here."

Sam sighed and opened the door, leading them inside and following the signs towards the Mother-Baby unit of the hospital. There were several nurses at the desk with many rooms up and down two perpendicular hallways. A beautiful blonde nurse smiled at them.

"Hi, can I help you?"

Sam nodded. "Yes, I'm Dr. Vance and this is Dr. Morris with the CDC. We've been called to look into the recent deaths of 4 newborns here."

The girl- Jenna by her nametag- nodded sadly.

"I worked one of them. Mom went to go wake up the baby for a feeding and the baby just...wouldn't wake up," she choked a little. "It was terrible."

"None of the babies had any illnesses? Heart problems?" Dean asked.

"No, they were all well babies. It was weird, though, they all had this... mark on their chest. Like a birthmark, but they weren't there before."

Sam furrowed his brow. "Do you remember what it looked like?"

Jenna shook her head. "No...but one of the newer nurses, he probably does. He saw two of them."

Dean nodded. "Ok, is there any way we could speak to him?"

Jenna looked back toward the break room. "He's in the intermediate nursery today. I'll take you there."

As she walked ahead of them, Sam spoke to Dean.

"See? All the babies died mysteriously with the same mark on the chest. Vengeful spirit, maybe?"

"What the hell kind of sadistic fuck would have it out for babies?" Dean shook his head. "Even for a ghost that's shitty."

"Yeah, let's just get this mark and we'll head back to the hotel and-"

"Here we are. He's the only fella in there, so you don't have to look hard," she smiled and nodded toward the window. "I'll let him know you're here."

Sam nodded turned to Dean. "Ok, we'll get an ID on this mark and...Dean?"

Dean was looking into the window of the nursery, eyes wide and fixed on someone inside. Sam furrowed his brow and followed his eye line to the man sitting in a rocking chair,  
feeding a small baby hooked up to an IV.

It was Castiel. He wore a pair of tight maroon scrubs with white tennis shoes, his nametag clipped to the collar of his top. His hair was less tidy than usual, but his blue eyes were as bright as ever. He seemed to be talking to the small baby, who was staring up at him in fascination as it sucked on its bottle. Jenna approached him and nodded toward the window where they stood. When Castiel looked up, meeting Dean's eyes, Dean had to turn away, his heart starting to pound rapidly and his breath starting to become painful in his lungs.

Dean? Breathe, man," Sam gripped his brother's shoulders. Dean looked on the verge of tears.

"Sam...that's-"

"I know..."

"What the fuck?"

Sam shook his head. "Dean, remember...this is a case. I wanna find out what's up, too, but let's just...interview him like any other witness and we'll come back after this is all done, ok?"

"He'll recognize us! Won't he?"

Jenna appeared with Castiel outside the door of the nursery. "Guys, this is Cas Novak. He was working in the Mother-Baby unit when he found the babies."

Castiel nodded and gave a soft, sad smile. "It's nice to meet you," he held out a hand and that was when it hit Dean. He didn't remember. None of it- saving Dean, the Apocalypse, becoming God, the fall, Amara and Lucifer...He was well and truly meeting Dean for the first time.

Sam cleared his throat and shook Castiel's hand. Dean blinked hard a couple of times before finally looking up at the former angel. He had a bit of a beard, but it was trimmed neatly, circling his pink lips in a goatee. His eyes were softer, less burdened than they had been but just a beautiful as Dean knew them to be. Castiel tilted his head, a familiar gesture.

"Um...is everything ok?" he asked Dean, looking confused.

"It's fine," Sam finally answered, not breaking his gaze. "Jenna said you may be able to tell us about the mark on the babies that died."

Castiel nodded. "I don't think I can ever forget it. I'll draw it for you, it's hard to describe," he pulled a small stack of post-it notes from his pocket and a pen. Dean still hadn't spoken a word- still hadn't looked away. Sam nudged his foot silently to snap him out of it. Dean swallowed and looked down, trying to steady his panicking breath. 

"Here," Castiel handed the post-it to Sam. "I'm not an artist, but it's pretty accurate. It wasn't raised or anything. I had just been in the room to check the baby's vital signs and it wasn't there. It's...who would do something like that to a baby?" he asked, voice soft and sad. Dean fought the urge to step forward and grip his shoulder, take his hand, wrap him up...but he couldn't. Castiel obviously had no idea who they were, which hurt Dean even more. His breathing picked up again. 

"That's what he wanna find out. Hopefully it's something we can identify and fix," Sam said quickly, stuffing the post-it in his pocket and pulling out a business card with his fake name and phone number. "We will be in touch. If you think of something, please give us a call. We're staying at the Knight Inn on 5th street. Let's go, Dr. Morris," he quickly grabbed Dean's shoulder and led him out of the unit. Once the doors were shut behind them, Dean leaned back against the wall, unable to breathe properly.

"Come on, Dean, pull it together-"

"Are you just gonna pretend that this is all ok?!" Dean asked angrily and stormed out of the hospital via the side door. Sam followed him and found Dean leaning against the Impala, hands gripping the hood. Sam let out a sigh and walked over, standing next to his brother.

"Dean...I know, ok? Seeing Cas...it felt so good to see him again. But he doesn't seem to even remember us. What he was. We can't just go in and let it all out."

Dean swallowed and blinked back tears. "Sammy...I thought he was dead."

Sam realized then that he didn't really know how Dean felt about seeing Castiel again. Dean loved Castiel. He was sure if he ever saw Jess again after thinking she was dead he would probably react the way Dean did. 

"Come on, dude, let's go figure out this symbol and once this is done we can figure out what's going on with Cas. Babies are dying here, man."

Dean nodded quickly and wiped his face. "Yeah, yeah, you're right...let's get outta here."

They got into the car and drove out of the parking lot. They didn't see the male nurse watching out of the window with a look of curiosity.


	2. Number Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONED INFANT DEATH AND MENTIONS OF ATTEMPTED ABORTION.

Two AM hit and they were coming up dry. Dean's eyes were burning from staring at his father's journal and Sam was tapping away on the computer.

"Anything?" Dean asked for the tenth time.

"Nothing yet. Dad got anything to say?"

Dean scoffed. "Hell no. No baby-killing ghosts in here. I'm still stuck on vengeful spirit."

"Well...here's something," Sam sat up a little. "In 1979, a woman named Mary Freely died in childbirth. Huh...says she tried to abort the baby at home only two weeks before. She was suffering something called 'gestational psychosis'."

Dean felt his stomach churn. "Dude...that's fucking sick. Hard to feel sorry for her."

"Yeah," Sam mumbled. "Wow...said she tried to use a coat hanger..." He looked down at the folded post-it from his pocket. The mark Castiel had drawn on the paper was starting to make more sense.

"Dean...I don't think this is a symbol. It looks like the hook of a hanger."

Dean walked over and looked at the drawing. "Dude...this is messed up."

"We gotta find her, Dean. This can't happen again."

There was an urgent knock at the door, startling them both. Dean grabbed his gun from the table and readied it, peaking through the peep hole. An anxious-looking Castiel stood outside where the rain was pouring down on him. He seemed to be shaking.

"It's Cas," Dean announced before throwing the door open. "Hey, come on in, it's freezing out there."

Castiel pushed past him, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and a thick pea coat, all drenched with freezing water. Dean shoved him over to the radiator. "What the hell, man? It's two in the morning and raining-"

"Another baby died," he shivered, eyes wet with tears. "I was right there with the mom and the baby was crying then it just...wasn't. And then," he stopped, choking on his words. Dean could see he was struggling.

"What, Cas?" he prodded. Sam stood up, seeing the distress in his eyes.

"You won't believe me," he shook his head. "I mean, there's no way-"

"Just tell us what you saw. It's ok," Sam assured him, placing a hand on his shaking shoulder. Castiel glanced between them. 

"I swear to God, I saw...a woman. She was young and...pale and she was only there for a second but she...touched the baby and it just-"

He broke into sobs. Sam pulled a chair over to the radiator and helped him sit down. Dean was fighting the urge to hold the frightened man in his arms and assure him that all would be ok, but Castiel barely knew him. He settled for pulling up another chair and leaning forward. 

"We believe you," he said softly. Castiel choked a laugh and shook his head.

"Yeah, right. The CDC believes in ghost ladies killing babies?"

Sam and Dean exchanged a look. An all too familiar look that indicated to the other that it was time.

"We aren't from the CDC," Dean spoke. "We...hunt monsters."

Castiel looked up, looking a little put off. "Monsters? Bullshit. That's not fucking funny-"

"It's true...ghosts, vampires, demons, werewolves, you name it. It's all real and we do our best to make sure things like this don't happen."

Castiel glanced between them, disbelief obvious on his face. "Really...well...great job so far. Five mothers are leaving the hospital without their babies."

"We've figured it out, ok?" Dean defended. "We think it may be a vengeful spirit, a ghost who is still trying to finish whatever business it didn't finish before it died. What we don't know is how we're gonna toast her."

"Yeah, according to the article I found Mary Freely was cremated. The hospital has been cleaned a million times since, I'm sure, so no hair or anything should be laying around-"

"Freely?" Castiel asked, sniffling. "You said Freely?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, this lady died at the hospital during childbirth. We think she may be targeting babies."

"Yeah, I know about Mary Freely...I know her son."

Dean raised his brows. "The baby she tried to kill? He's alive?"

"He works in the physical therapy department," he stated, wiping his face. His shivering had slowed down.

Dean nodded. "Maybe he knows something? We should talk to him."

Sam nodded. "We'll get a few hours sleep and tomorrow we'll go talk to him. Cas, you ok?"

Castiel glanced between them. "Ghosts...monsters...this is just insane."

"Could be worse," Dean mumbled, Sam fixing him with a look.

"I'll do whatever you need me to do to help," Castiel stood on shaky legs. "I feel so responsible for all this-"

"Hey, no," Dean reached up and cupped his shoulder, feeling a warmth in his chest when Castiel seemed to relax a little under his touch. "You didn't do this."

"But I was right there. If I had...I don't know, took the baby and run when I saw her or called for help-" he was working himself up again. Dean gripped both of his shoulders in his strong hands, squeezing and fixing his eyes on Castiel's. 

"This wasn't on you, ok? Nothing you could have done would have stopped it. If it wasn't that baby, it would have been another. She won't stop until we stop her. You did good coming to us, ok?"

Castiel's eyes searched Dean's, wide and wet. Dean wanted so badly to kiss the fear right out of him, the worry...the self-doubt. He should have done it years ago. Now Castiel knew nothing about him. Dean's chest ached as he squeezed Castiel's shoulders one more time before letting them go. 

"I'm Sam, by the way," Sam spoke up, sticking out a hand to shake Castiel's. "Not a real doctor."

"I gathered," Castiel gave a faint smile and shook his hand. 

"This is my brother, Dean," he nodded toward his brother and Castiel looked over at him, eyes suddenly furrowed.

"You said...Dean?"

Dean's heart leapt into his throat. "Yeah, why?"

Castiel seemed to be thinking, studying Dean's features. After a moment, he shook his head. "Nothing...you just seem familiar to me. It's impossible, but-"

"Anything is possible," Dean shrugged half-heartedly, trying to sound casual. There were several beats of silence before Sam cleared his throat.

"I'm gonna hit the shower. Cas, I'll grab you some dry clothes real quick-"

"No, no, it's ok. I gotta get back home anyway. I have to work in the morning. I just...I couldn't sleep after..."

Sam nodded and smiled to him. "See you tomorrow, Cas," he threw a look toward Dean before he walked over to the bathroom and shut the door.

"You're brothers?" Castiel asked. Dean swallowed and nodded. 

"And...you hunt monsters...hell of a family business," he chuckled softly. Dean returned it and shook his head.

"Not what you would call a great life, but it's ours. We like it ok."

Castiel nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean...I guess."

Dean was curious as to what Castiel did know about his life. "Well...what was your life like?"

Castiel furrowed his brow. "Wanna hear a strange story?"

Dean's stomach churned slowly. "Yeah, sure."

Castiel settled his elbows on his wet pants legs. "About three years ago, I woke up in the middle of a field. I was naked, I was sore like I had be beaten to hell and I couldn't remember a thing. I didn't know who I was or where I had come from...things stuck out here and there...like my name. I don't even know if it's real or not but I kept hearing things like 'Castiel' and 'Novak'... I just assumed it was my name."

Dean stiffened a little in his seat. "So...what did you do?"

"Some girl named Nora found me wandering down the side of the road and took me home, gave me clothes, fed me...she's one of my best friends now," he smiled fondly. "I'd probably be dead without her. She got me a GED- which is incredible because I don't know if I ever attended a day of school in my life before but I aced it. She was in the nursing program over at Norfolk and I got in on a full ride. I just started this year...I love it," he looked up at Dean. "I'd say my life...what I remember, at least, has been a good one."

Dean's throat closed up, making his breath hitch. He bit his tongue, keeping himself from spilling his guts. When this is over, he thought. Wait until this is over.

"So," Dean forced out. "This Freely guy. He a friend of yours, too?"

Castiel's shoulders stiffened. "Well...you could say that."

Dean quirked an eyebrow. "Is he...more than a friend?"

Castiel glanced up, looking worried. "Does that weird you out?"

Dean's face heated up faster than he was expecting, knowing that it had to be obvious on his face that he was blushing. "N-no, no, just trying to get a little more...information."

"We...sleep together. We're not dating or anything," Castiel rolled his eyes. "Though he would tell anyone in a blink of an eye that we were. He's...just not boyfriend material, I guess."

Dean shifted a little in his seat. "How come?"

Castiel chuckled. "What is this, 20 questions?"

"I'm just curious," Dean held his hands up in surrender. Castiel rolled his eyes and smiled. 

"Ok, fine. He's arrogant, kind of a brute, drinks way too much-"

"Nothing wrong with a drink every now and then," Dean shrugged.

"And he treats me like I'm some kind of delicate flower or something," Castiel shrugged. "Like I can't take care of myself."

Dean tilted his head, studying the man's profile. "You look like you could take care of yourself. I bet you're a total badass."

"Don't patronize me," Castiel gave him a grin.

"I'm serious. I bet you could knock down a few walls," Dean nudged his knee with Castiel's, causing the man to laugh, eyes lighting up a little. Dean's heart fluttered a little as their eyes met and lingered. 

"Is this you flirting, because if so it's sort of working," Castiel said timidly, glancing away from Dean momentarily. Dean held his gaze, not really sure what he was doing but he couldn't help himself. 

The bathroom door opened and Sam stepped out, steam coming from the room behind him. "Feeling better, Cas?"

"Yeah, thanks. I'm gonna head home. I have to be at work in 4 hours," he stood, Dean standing with him and walking to the door. The rain had slowed to an icy drizzle. Castiel turned and placed a hand out.

"It was nice to meet you, Dean. See you tomorrow?"

Dean reached out and took Castiel's hand, not shaking it, but feeling the warmth of his hand in his for just a moment.

"Yeah...tomorrow."

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam and Dean entered the nursery unit the next morning not long after it opened and were met with the sound of screaming babies.

"Man, how can someone enjoy this job?" Dean shook his head. "I would rip my eardrums out by the end of the day."

"Better than our job," Sam scoffed. "Cas sure seems to enjoy it," he nodded through the window. Dean looked up and saw Castiel, tired looking but smiling, changing a baby's diaper. Again, he seemed to be talking to the baby. Dean couldn't fight the smile on his face. He had never seen Castiel so happy...so content. He felt Sam's eyes on the side of his face.

"What are you thinking?" Sam asked. Dean slowly shook his head.

"Dude...should we really tell him?"

Sam furrowed his brow. "Of course we should. I mean...this is great and all, but it's not who he really is."

"He doesn't remember anything, you know? He told me last night...he woke up in a field and some girl found him and helped him become a nurse. He doesn't know about us or Heaven or Hell...would you want to remember any of that?"

Sam didn't answer. They simply settled for looking through the window at the man in blue scrubs lifting a smaller than average baby into his arms and manuvering its IV line to sit in a rocking chair, bottle in hand. 

"He's been expecting you," a voice behind them caused them to jump. They looked down to see a short young woman with shoulder-length blond hair and a lab coat over a matching set of blue scrubs. "Wow...Cas didn't lie when he said the short one was cute."

Dean blushed and Sam hid a laugh. "Who are you?"

"Nora," she smiled and put out a hand to shake. "I'm Cas's friend. Manager, too, so he has to finish with his feeding schedule before you can take him away from me."

"Oh, yeah," Sam nodded. "No rush...not really, I mean."

"He said you were gonna talk to Nate...wouldn't tell me what about, though," Nora slid her hands into her lab coat pockets. "I thought this was an illness or a gas leak. What would Nate have to do with that?"

"Totally unrelated. We went to college together," Sam lied. "Cas just said he would take us to see him."

Nora laughed. "Yeah...ok. Well, give your college buddy a swift kick in the balls for me before you go," Nora said bitterly. Sam looked a little confused, but Dean looked curious.

"You don't like Nate? He and Cas-"

"He and Cas hook up, yeah," Nora nodded, looking through the window. "Cas is...kind. He lets anyone in too easily. I don't know anything about him before I found him but if I had to guess he has always been that way. Nate isn't."

Dean felt a churning in his gut, suddenly regreting asking to meet this Nate guy. Sam cleared his throat.

"I left my phone in the car. I'll be back," he said quickly. Dean watched him leave and Sam turned around to point at Nora and mouth 'talk to her'.

"So...how did Cas meet Nate?"

Nora smirked. "You're very interested in him, aren't you?"

Dean blushed but shook his head. "I...may have known him before all this..."

Nora quickly looked up at him. "Seriously? Are you sure?"

"Deadly," Dean nodded. "Look, don't tell him, ok? It's a pretty fucked up situation-"

Nora shook her head. "No way, dude, he's my best friend-"

"I mean it, Nora...you wouldn't believe a word of what I said anyway, so...just for now. We're still working on this case and we need to deal with this first. After we figure out what's happening to the babies then we can deal with it, but for now-"

"You're right," Nora nodded, "Sorry. I just...I love Cas. I've never met anyone so genuine...you know, we dated for a couple months right at the beginning. It just didn't work out. We were better off friends. Then I discovered he was interested in a guy at school and it all fell together," she smiled. "He always says 'It's not the gender, it's the person'. It's a beautiful thought," she smiled. Dean saw Castiel standing again with the tiny baby, still speaking to it.

"He talks to the babies," Dean pointed out. "He does know they can't understand him, right?"

Nora laughed. "Yes, he knows. He's not talking to them, he's singing."

Dean couldn't fight the smile. "Singing?"

"They love it," Nora nodded. "Cas has a special way with them. Sometimes we will have babies in here for weeks and they'll get collicy and he seems to be the only one who can calm them down. They love the sound of his voice."

Dean's chest ached again as Castiel wrapped the little baby back up in its blanket and checked the fluids going into the baby's IV.

"I'll go get him for you," Nora smiled and placed a hand to Dean's arm before walking into the nursery. Dean felt something changing inside him- a warm feeling stirring in his chest he hadn't felt before. Sam's large hand on his shoulder caused him to jump.

"Find out anything?"

Dean shrugged. "I told her we knew Cas. She said she wouldn't tell."

Sam nodded. "Good. Let's go find Freeley."

Castiel walked out, eyes tired, but with a soft smile on his face. "Morning," he greeted them. "Nate's office is on the fourth floor."

"Lead the way," Dean smiled and maybe let his eyes linger just a little longer than necessary. Nora threw him a knowing look before they turned out and left the unit.


	3. Nate

The physical therapy department was a narrow hallway past a waiting room where three or four people in wheelchairs or on crutches sat looking up at the informational video playing on the television mounted to the wall or flipping through old magazines. Castiel led them past the desk, where he greeted the older woman at the computer with a smile.

"Morning, Sally. Is Nate busy?"

"Oh, he's around somewhere. I think he was in his office a few mintues ago. Are you doing ok? You look tired. Have you been eating?" she asked with a stern eye. Castiel rolled his eyes. 

"I have, Sally. Just had a long night," he replied. She gave the two behind him a questioning look.

"Well, remind Nate he has a meeting at 10, would you? The boy is handsome, but he has the memory of a goldfish. Take care, sweetpea," she gave Castiel a quick smile before returning to her computer. Castiel led them back toward the back of the department past rooms where people were standing with the help of metal bars and therapists were giving words of encouragement. 

"He's back here," Castiel nodded at an open door at the back corner. He rounded the corner into the office.

"Cas, it's been weeks," they heard a man's voice. "I'm pressed for time, but I'm sure we could work in a good-"

Dean cleared his throat as he and Sam entered the room. Nate was standing up from his chair, a smirk disappearing from his face. Castiel was blushing and sliding his hands into his pockets.

"Oh...hi," he greeted them. Nate was very attractive and buff- his green scrubs were tight across his chest and legs. He had jet black hair that was styled to be tousled and the greenest eyes Dean had ever seen. Dean felt a wave of jealousy lap at his insides. This guy looked like he could pick him up and toss him across the room with one hand.

"Nate, these guys had some questions for you about your mom," Castiel told him. Nate nodded.

"Ok? And who are you?"

"We're from the historical society," Sam responded, catching Castiel's questioning looking out of the corner of his eye. "We were doing some research on the hospital's history and heard about your mother's death."

"I don't know what you want me to tell you," Nate shrugged and sat back down. "I never even met her. She died here giving birth to me. Bitch had it coming, though. That's what she got for trying to kill me."

"We heard about that, too," Sam said uncomfortably. "We were just wondering if you had ever kept anything of hers..."

"Why would the historical society give a shit if I kept anything?" Nate asked.

"Nate, don't be a dick. Just answer the question," Castiel spat, but Dean could tell he was doing it with a hint of caution. Nate looked up at Castiel, a bit of an amused smirk on his face. 

"Fine," he rolled his eyes and pulled a chain from beneath his scrub top. On it was an old wedding band. "My grandmother gave it to me a couple years ago before she died. I just got used to wearing it."

Sam nodded. "Ok, then. Well, you seem busy, so we'll leave you to it."

"Cas...can you hang back a sec?" Nate asked, eyes boring into Castiel. Dean glanced between them and Castiel sighed.

"Go on, guys. I'll see you later."

Dean felt uncomfortable with this. He got a strange vibe from Nate that he wasn't sure he could pinpoint, but Castiel gave him a reassuring smile. He and Sam walked out and Dean shivered.

"I don't like that guy."

"Me either. And did you see the way he looked at Cas? Like he was gonna eat him or something. And what was he saying before we walked in?"

"Well, he and Cas...they sleep together. Cas told me last night."

Sam's eyes widened. "Wow...wasn't expecting that...do you think they're, you know...right now?"

"Shut up, Sam," Dean grunted and they walked out of the department, Dean seething. "I need a drink."

"It's only 9:30, Dean," Sam berated. "Hey, take it easy, Cas'll be fine. We have to get that ring somehow."

"Well, it's not likely he'll take it off here, so sneak into his house? Cas oughta know where he lives."

Sam looked like he was thinking. "Well...Dean, maybe we should ask Cas to get it for us."

"Have Cas sneak in? Dude, that's dumb-"

Sam rolled his eyes. "No, Dean, I mean...ask him to go over and get it...minus sneaking."

Dean raised his brows. "You mean pimp Cas out for a ring!?"

Sam glanced around, making sure no one heard him. "We're not sending him over there for sex, just to get the ring and bolt."

"I don't know if you noticed, Sam, but that dude is a beast. You know how I feel about Cas."

Sam looked sad. "I know, Dean. I'm sorry for suggesting it, but... let's just see what Cas says about it and go from there. For now, he has to work and we both need to take a breather. We'll go have breakfast and catch up with Cas after work."

Dean sighed and nodded. "Ok, fine." They headed for the elevator and Dean glanced back toward the waiting area of the physical therapy department. As they stepped on, Castiel walked out. Dean's face heated up with anger. Castiel's eyes were wet...there was a distinct reddened area on his cheek and the look in his eyes was one that read guilt and a bit of fear. If the doors hadn't closed, Dean would have stormed off that elevator and marched right back into that office, fists flying.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Castiel stepped out of the hospital around 7 pm, looking even more exhausted than he had before. Dean, now dressed in regular clothes, sat with Sam in the Impala. 

"There he is," Sam started to get out, but Dean didn't budge. "Come on, man."

"I knew there was something wrong with that guy," Dean shook his head.

"Let's talk to Cas first before we go assuming-"

"Yeah, yeah," Dean growled and stepped out of the car, following Sam toward Castiel. Castiel looked up and saw them coming, giving them a smile. 

"CDC, monster hunting and historical society? You guys have all kinds of talents, it seems," he joked. "So, what's up with the ring?"

"Well, usually a spirit is attatched to something they've left behind. Hair, bones, any remains, but since she was cremated there are no remains. The ring may be keeping her here."

"So, you destroy the ring? Sounds simple enough," Castiel shrugged. "How are you gonna get it?"

Dean's shoulders stiffened and Sam shifted.

"Well...we were hoping you could help us with that," Sam answered. "Is there any way you could maybe... go over and see Nate at home? Maybe get it after he's taken it off?"

Castiel visibly swallowed. "Y-yeah, I think I can do that."

"If you aren't comfortable, me and Sam can pull a B & E-"

"No, no, I can. I want to help," Castiel stammered. "Besides, breaking and entering is illegal and I can do it without you two getting arrested."

Sam sighed and nodded. "Ok, then...just come find us when you get it, I guess."

"Sam, go wait in the car," Dean spoke, not looking away from Castiel. Both of them looked at him curiously but Sam nodded and headed back toward the Impala.

"What is it?" Castiel asked.

"I saw you leaving his office, man. I saw the red mark on your cheek and you had been crying...what the hell happened?"

Castiel looked away from him. "Nothing-"

"Don't lie to me," Dean replied. "What's going on with you two? He was looking at you like you were a piece of meat."

"I told you, Dean, we fool around. That's it."

"You said last night he would tell anyone you were his boyfriend but you're not into it. What does that mean?"

Castiel rolled his eyes. "Look, I don't know you, ok? Yes, we talked last night and you seem like a nice guy and all, but trust me, you don't wanna hear about my problems."

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't. I'm worried, man, that's all."

"Why?! Why do you care so much?" Castiel asked angrily, obviously frustrated. "You know, ever since you showed up here, I've had this...weird feeling about you. I don't know what the fuck is going on, but...I'll get your damn ring and we'll get rid of this ghost and you and I can go on with our lives."

Castiel hurridly pushed past Dean and got in his car. Dean turned and watched him drive out of the hospital parking lot with a heavy feeling in his stomach.

"Because I love you, you dick," he spoke into the air, throat closing up a little. He steadied his breathing and walked back over to the car. They drove back to the hotel. Sam questioned him but Dean kept quiet. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Castiel sat outside Nate's house in his car, phone in hand. He had texted him to make sure he was home, asking if he could come over and make things up to him. Nate was  
pissed about the sudden barrage of questions about his mother.

"What the fuck, Cas? Who were those guys?" Nate stood and walked around the desk.

"They work for the historical society, like they said," he answered. "I gotta get back to work-"

Nate grabbed his wrist, pulling him back toward him.

"The little one was staring at you. You fucking him, too?"

Castiel furrowed his brow. "Fuck off, Nate. You're not really the one who should be preaching to me about fucking other people."

"It was one time, Cas-"

"While we were dating, you asshole."

Nate rolled his eyes and smirked. "But you're the one who keeps coming back for more," he pulled Castiel close to his body, resting his forehead against Castiel's, whose  
breathing picked up a little at the feel of Nate's crotch pressing up against his. "Don't tell me you don't like it."

"I have to go back to work-"

"I can be quick," Nate slid his hand down Castiel's back toward the top of his pants. "Let me bend you over my desk."

Castiel shoved Nate off him, which was the wrong thing to do. A hand met the side of his face, causing his ears to ring. Tears swam in his vision.

"You're such a fucking tease," Nate gripped his wrist harder. "I swear to God, Cas, it's no wonder I fucked someone else."

Castiel wrenched his hand from Nate's grip. "Fuck you," he growled before walking out of the office and slamming the door. He leaned against the wall, fighting back tears. He didn't want to be upset by Nate's harsh words, but he couldn't help it. He actually really cared for the man once, though he had always been this way. Castiel knew he should be done with Nate completly, but he was lonely. He had Nora and his friends from work, but physically, Nate was always willing to give him company. Castiel wiped his eyes and glanced at his face in the window of a dark office next to him, seeing the redness blooming on his cheek. Nora would not be happy about this at all. He decided to go grab breakfast to give it time to go away, so he hurried out of the office toward the cafeteria.

Nate texted him back after a few minutes, saying he was sorry for hitting him and that he would gladly accept his apology in whatever way Castiel wished to provide it, adding a winking face at the end. It made Castiel's stomach churn a little, but he sighed and put his phone in his pocket. He glanced over in his passanger seat and saw the business card Sam had given him the first day he met the brother monster hunters. Castiel was still quite unable to believe that such things existed, but he was happy something was going to be done about the ghost killing his patients. 

The thought of the older brother made Castiel feel a little guilty for being so defensive toward him before he left. Ever since he had first laid eyes on Dean Winchester something felt... off. Not necessarily bad off, but different. It wasn't lust, though he had to admit Dean was quite attractive, but something like familiarity. He didn't remember ever meeting Dean before but...maybe before his memories started? He knew he had a life somewhere else out there. Maybe Dean knew something he didn't. Maybe Dean knew him.

Castiel shook his head and focused on the task at hand- get the ring. He figured it would probably entail sex with Nate, seeing as the man never took the thing off unless he was in the shower. He always showered after sex. Castiel got out of the car and walked up the path to the door.

Before Castiel could even knock, the door swung open. Nate stood in the door in a pair of tight jeans and a white tank top. "Told you you couldn't stay away."

"Shut up," Castiel answered and went for it, stepping into Nate's personal space and gripping the man's neck, kissing him passionatly. Nate kicked the door shut and pushed Castiel against it, lifting him up into his strong arms and wrapping Castiel's legs around his waist. Castiel felt a little bit guilty for using him like this, but he remembered that was what he had always been doing in a way.

"You're a million miles away, babe," Nate mumbled into his neck. "Let's fix that," he bit on the soft skin of Castiel's neck, making the smaller man groan and thrust up involuntarily. He felt the ring pressing against his chest from beneath Nate's shirt. The ring made him think of the task at hand, which led to thoughts about Dean...did he really need to be thinking about Dean at the moment? Could he really lie to himself and say he didn't wish this was Dean's body pressed against his?

"There we go, handsome," Nate purred, thrusting his hips forward into Castiel's. "Getting hard for me already."

\----------------------------------------------------------

It was 10:30 and Dean and Sam were sitting anxiously at the hotel. The television was on some random nature documentary Sam had been trying to watch, but Dean kept glancing out of the window. 

"He'll be here, dude."

"It's been like three hours. What are they doing anyway?"

"You know what they're doing, Dean," Sam cocked an eyebrow. Dean groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Not helping, Sam. I can't believe you suggested this."

Sam moved to the edge of the bed and turned to Dean. "I know this sucks, but what did we say? Finish the case first. That ring will finish the case."

"You didn't see him after he left Nate's office, Sam," Dean said angrily. "He hit him and I know he did. We just sent him to that abusive asshole willingly."

"Cas can handle himself, Dean. And maybe he'll find another way besides having to...do things with him."

Dean wasn't sure, but he didn't respond. After a few moments, headlights appeared in their window. Dean stood up and walked over, seeing Castiel getting out of his car.

"He's here," Dean informed Sam and went to open the door. Castiel had a hand raised to knock when it opened.

"Did you get it?" Dean asked. Castiel sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling out the chain with the ring on it.

"You owe me," he grumbled. "Now what?"

"Sam found a spell that should get rid of it. Wanna come watch?"

Castiel laughed and shook his head. "Why not? When am I ever gonna see someone use a real spell?"

Dean stepped aside and let him in, anger flaring again when he saw a dark hickey under the collar of Castiel's t-shirt. "So...how'd you get it?"

Castiel glanced up at Dean. "Later."

Dean handed the ring to Sam, who got a bowl and the few ingredients for the spell. "Burning it would take forever, so I'm using a spell that will disintegrate it. Shouldn't take more an a few minutes."

Castiel sat down on the bed and Dean joined him, studying Castiel's profile as he watched Sam work the spell. Castiel looked like he was trying to mask his true feelings with curiosity. Dean was the master of hiding his feelings and it had become a gift to see it in others as well. Once Sam chanted the incantation, he dropped the ring in the bowl and a flash of red light momentarily blinded the three of them. Once it disappeared, the ring was nothing more than a pile of ash in the bottom of the bowl.

"Is that it? It's over?" Castiel asked just as his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out and read the message. It was from Nora. He read it aloud.

"'Almost had another one. Coded the baby for only a few minutes before it woke up. Has the weird mark on her chest, but she is alive.'"

Dean smiled. "That was it. Got there just in time."

Castiel smiled, looking relieved. "You guys actually did it. I don't know what to say."

"It's what we do," Sam assured him. "I'm gonna go get some food. Dean has something to talk to you about."

Dean could have killed Sam and his stupid smirking face in that moment, but didn't have time to tell him so before he picked up the keys to the car and walked out of the room. Castiel replaced his phone and turned to him.

"If this is about Nate-"

"That's the first thing, yeah," Dean stood up, crossing his arms across his chest. "Wanna explain now?"

Castiel drew his legs up and crossed them underneath him, resting his elbows on his knees. "Fine...we dated for about six months last year."

"He always been an abusive asshole?" Dean asked, narrowing his eyes. Castiel met them and swallowed. 

"No. That's been more recently. He cheated on me, so I dumped him. I had been distant, I guess, but I was in school and studied all the time and he just wanted to have sex all the time. I actually used to really care for him. Not love, necessarily, but he had a special place in my heart. After that, though, I hated him. He kept on trying to get me back and eventually I gave in and started sleeping with him. It's been that way ever since. He doesn't...hit me much. I can deal with that stuff. He says things sometimes though...he can be so mean."

"Then why do you keep going back?"

Castiel let out a soft laugh. "Loneliness, I guess. He's always just...there and available. It's stupid, isn't it?"

Dean thought about it. "No...not really. I get it. Needing someone physically."

Castiel sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "He thought I was fucking you, you know?"

Dean's eyebrows raised. "Really?"

"That's sort of what led to the slap in the face," Castiel shrugged. "But don't worry, you're not at any fault. I've had worse. I don't think I'll be going back to him anyway."

Dean nodded. "Well, good. You deserve better than that, Cas."

Castiel gave a half smile and looked up at him. "So, now that this is over I guess you and Sam will be leaving town."

Dean swallowed. "Well...actually, that was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about," he pulled a chair up, sitting across from Castiel. "This is gonna sound...pretty fucked up, but it's all true and I just want you to know I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

Castiel furrowed his brow. "Ok?"

Dean steadied his breath and spoke. "About three years ago, I had this friend- an angel-"

Castiel's chuckle cut him off. "What?"

"You believe me when I say I hunt ghosts but not when I say I have friends who are angels?" 

"Sorry, sorry, go on," Castiel nodded. 

"Well- and just fucking listen ok?- my friend made a deal with Lucifer...he let him take control of his body to kill a force called The Darkness. She was God's sister and it was a whole big thing that still confuses the hell out of me to this day, but the day we finally found my friend...he and The Darkness were fighting and they destroyed each other...and my friend."

Castiel looked confused, but sorrowful. "I'm sorry."

Dean looked up at him and swallowed. "I thought all this time that my friend was dead. He just disappeared into thin air, you know? He was this powerful being and in an instant he was gone. It hurt like hell. It still hurts. But," Dean shifted in his seat, willing himself to just come right out with it. "But I found him."

Castiel nodded. "Well, that's good, right? Why are you telling me this?"

"My friend's name was Castiel..."

A beat of silence. 

"The vessel his posessed was named Jimmy Novak. You said you could hear these things in your head...that's why."

Castiel looked unsure and a little shocked. "What...You're fucking with me."

"I'm not, I swear," Dean replied. "About 11 years ago, I was killed. God sent you and a bunch of other angels to rescue me from Hell. That's how we met."

Castiel stood up and slid his hand through his hair. "This is insane. You do know how insane this sounds."

Dean stood as well. "Trust me, I do. I don't know how to prove it to you, but it's all true."

Castiel let out an unsure laugh and shook his head. "I don't know what to believe anymore."

"I know it's a lot to take in, but I know somewhere deep down you remember everything. You said it yourself that you thought I seemed familiar."

Castiel leaned back against the wall by the door and leaned his head back. "An angel...a fucking angel?"

Dean nodded. "A pretty tough one, too."

Castiel slid his eyes closed and sighed. "A stupid one from the sound of it. Making a deal with the devil? That sounds dumb."

"You did it to save us," Dean answered. "That was just what you did. Always willing to bleed for the Winchesters, you said once."

Castiel looked back over at Dean, eyes full of confusion. "You must have meant a lot to me. Were we close?"

Dean swallowed. "You were my best friend. I took advantage of that and I know that now.You saved my ass more times than I can remember. You did some bad things but you always did them with good reason and good intentions. It's been pure hell without you."

Castiel struggled to remember, but he couldn't. Everything starts at the field where he woke up with the occasional flash of dreams he had had where he heard the bits and pieces of things, like his name or faces he didn't remember ever seeing before. It hit him.

"I remember where I know you from," Castiel spoke softly. "A dream I had once. It was a really short dream, but...I called your name and you looked down at me...it was windy and there was this bright purple light. You looked scared."

"Purgatory," Dean said excitedly. "That really happened, Cas, that was a memory."

"They never last more than a few seconds," He shook his head. "Whatever else happened, I just don't remember. I'm sorry."

Dean deflated a little, but Castiel seemed genuine in his apology. "It's ok, man. Look, we'll get you back to the bunker in Kansas and figure out how to get them all back."

Castiel gave him a frightened look. "The bunker? What are you guys?"

Dean let out a chuckle, "Men of Letters. Don't worry, we'll explain all that."

"Dean...I can't go."

Dean's face fell. "What?"

Castiel looked sorrowful. "I have a life here. I have a job that I love and a home..."

Dean nodded and cleared his throat. "Right, right...I shouldn't have assumed you would wanna go back."

There was silence between them, the room feeling heavy. Sam pulled up in the Impala, breaking the silence.

"I just...need to think, ok? I'm sorry, Dean."

Dean swallowed a lump in his throat and nodded. Castiel stepped away from the wall and wrapped his arms around Dean's middle, suprising the hunter. He didn't hesitate to return the hug, however, feeling like a weight was slowly lifting with the former angel in his arms, however briefly. Castiel was warm and smelled amazing and Dean couldn't help but bury his face in his shoulder.

"Thank you for saving the babies. They won't ever know, but I'll never forget."

Dean fought back the tears threatening to fall. "No problem."

Castiel let him go, letting his hand linger for a moment on Dean's bicep. "Go back to your bunker in Kansas. I'll be ok."

Castiel turned and opened the door, meeting Sam as he came in. "Thank you, Sam. For everything you did."

Sam nodded. "Take care, Cas," he replied and watched him leave. He closed the door to see his brother, tears rolling down his face. 

"Dean?"

"I'm going for a drive," he said, taking the keys from Sam. "Don't wait up."


	4. Take Care of Him

Dean found himself at a bar a few miles from the hotel. He was three beers in and the sound of the locals around him started to mute as his thoughts zeroed in on Castiel again. He was angry that he didn't want to go home. He was angry at himself for not trying hard enough to convince him, but Castiel seemed so happy. That's all Dean ever wanted, so why was he so pissed?

Dean felt a presence next to him as someone sat at the bar beside him.

"Hey, you're that historical society guy, right?" a voice spoke to him. Dean looked up and saw Nate, looking a little tipsy. Dean rolled his eyes.

"Yeah. You're Nate, right?"

Nate nodded. "That's right. You're running low there," he nodded to Dean's beer. "Let me buy the next one?"

Dean furrowed his brow. "Um...no, thanks. I'm good."

"Come on, man, just one drink," Nate scooted a little closer. "I know you like guys. I saw you staring at Cas earlier."

"Cas is different," he motioned to the bartender for another drink. "I'm not big on abusive assholes," he fixed Nate with a glare as he took a sip of his drink. Nate smirked and chuckled.

"What did he tell you? That I beat him? Jesus, he's so dramatic. If he didn't give such good head I wouldn't even bother."

"Wow, you are a shitty human being," Dean laughed in disbelief, standing up to leave. Nate reached up and gripped his wrist.

"Hey, hey, come on, lighten up, man," he stood, invading Dean's personal space. He was almost a head taller than Dean, which was a little intimidating, but Dean was angry enough to not care if he had to throat punch the guy. "Come on...I've got my skills, too. Let's just head back to my place and I can show you why your little boyfriend keeps coming back."

Dean swallowed a rebuttal and let out a breath. He looked around for a moment and reached up, gripped the back of Nate's neck and slammed his head against the bar. The bartender startled a little, but didn't immediately jump in to help. Dean leaned down to Nate's ear.

"If I ever find out you've laid another hand on Cas, I will actually kill you. He deserves so much better than a piece of shit like you. Stay away from him."

Dean shoved his head back down into the bar before throwing a twenty on the bar and walking out, limbs shaking and buzz gone. He slammed the door to the Impala and moved to crank the car, but his hand dropped. He balled his fist and punched the steering wheel, anger boiling up and bursting in his chest. He leaned back in his seat and ran a hand over his face, feeling tears forming. 

Dean took a few minutes to steady his breathing, a stitch forming in his side. The whole situation was a mess and all he wanted was to go back before The Darkness and Lucifer and just tell Castiel that he loved him, that he was needed and important and maybe Castiel would have never said yes to Lucifer. That wasn't possible, though. Dean sat up and sniffed, blinking away the tears and starting his car. They were going home tomorrow and Castiel would move on. That was all there was to it.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean woke up after a couple of hours of sleep to Sam packing his bag.

"Hey, you ready?"

"No," Dean grumbled, "but we need to get on the road."

"You got in late," Sam stated simply. "Long night with Jack Daniels and Jose' Cuervo?"

"Just went for a drive, Sammy. Needed some time alone."

"You saw Nate, though," Sam zipped his bag. "Cas called me...Nate went over to his house last night after the two of you had it out."

Dean shook his head. "I told that son of a bitch-"

"Dean, Cas told you he couldn't go with us and you should respect that. Beating up Nate didn't do anything but piss him off and now Cas has to deal with it."

"That's not what I wanted, Sam," Dean got up, starting to get dressed angrily. "I didn't think the fucking idiot would be stupid enough to actually go back to him-"

There was a banging at the door, causing them both to jump. Sam walked over and peeked through the hole in the door.

"It's...Nora," he said, confusion on his face. He opened the door and the tiny woman pushed into the room.

"What the actual fuck!?" she burst in. "Ok, I'm not really sure who the fuck you two are and I don't know what you plan to accomplish by coming into Castiel's life and stirring up all kinds of shit-"

"Woah, woah, calm down," Dean held up his hand in surrender. "What is going on?"

"What's going on is my best friend has been at my house all night because his sadistic fuck buddy came over to his house at midnight yelling about how he was threatened with death if he ever touched him again. Yes, Nate is a dick and yes I know that treats Castiel like shit but some random stranger can't just bust his face against a bar and not expect that the guy will flip out!"

"We're not random strangers, Nora," Dean argued back.

"You are to Cas, you idiot."

"Nora, please," Sam said calmly, pulling up a chair. "Let's all just calm down and we'll explain everything."

"Sam-"

"Dean, she needs to know...she'll understand better if she knows," Sam gave him a stern look and motioned for them both to sit. Nora plopped angrily in the chair Sam and offered her and Dean sat on the bed.

It was a long process full of unbelieving looks and head shakes but eventually Nora seemed to get on their level.

"So...Cas isn't even human? There are angels and demons and monsters...and you guys hunt them?"

"Yeah," Sam affirmed. Dean looked calmer now, though still exhausted. Nora looked over at Dean.

"And...you're in love with Cas?"

Dean sighed and returned her gaze. "You see why I freaked out?"

Nora gave him a sad look. "Sorry I came in like a crazy person."

Dean let out a chuckled. "It's fine...I would have been pissed, too. I just couldn't stand the thought of leaving Cas behind with that asshole."

"Leave him behind? He doesn't wanna know who he was?"

"I told him," Dean shook his head and rubbed the back of his neck. "He said he couldn't leave...he loves his job and he has a good life. I wanna be happy about it, but I just...I miss him so much," Dean swallowed thickly. 

Nora nodded. "Well, if Cas wants to stay that's his choice, but...he really likes you."

Dean looked up at her, furrowing his brow. "Really?"

Nora laughed. "Yeah. He wouldn't shut up about you the first day you guys came. And I think deep down he knows who you guys are," she looked between them. "He's always been curious about his life before I found him. I just...I want him to be happy."

"Me too," Dean nodded. Sam nodded in agreement as well. "It's just....it's been a long week."

"The thing that was killing the babies...it wasn't an illness or a gas leak, was it?" 

Sam shook his head. "Ghost. We got rid of it last night. You won't have any more troubles from it."

Nora looked between them. "Wow...you guys are like superheroes."

"Not exactly, but that's nice of you to say," Dean smiled. "It's what we've always done."

"Cas, too? Did he hunt monsters when he wasn't being a heavenly badass?"

Sam smiled. "He did...he wasn't half bad either."

Nora nodded thoughtfully. "Ok...I should get going. Cas is asleep on the couch and I don't wanna be gone when he wakes up. You guys are leaving?"

"Yeah," Dean said. "I think that's best."

Nora nodded. "Ok," she stood up. "Well...take care of yourselves. I'll take care of Cas."

Dean gave her a weak smile. "Here," he wrote his number on a piece of hotel stationary. "This is my number. Keep me updated, ok? I just wanna know how he's doing every now and then."

Nora smiled down at the paper then up at Dean. "You know...he would be really lucky to have a guy like you that cared about him so much. He needs that. It hasn't been easy these last few years. He had all these nightmares...PTSD I thought from whatever happened to cause his memory loss. He just recently learned to love life, you know? I'll be sure to keep you up to speed. You're a good guy, Dean. He deserves a good guy."

Dean forced a smile and a quick nod. Nora thanked Sam and walked out of the room. They were quiet for a moment before Dean returned to packing, his chest feeling heavy again.

"You ok?" Sam asked, lifting his bag onto his shoulder. Dean sniffed.

"No. Let's just go," he zipped his bag and followed Sam out of the hotel room.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two weeks later found Nora watching Castiel through the window of the nursery from her desk. Something had changed in her friend. He seemed more tired than usual, more burdened. Nate had completely fallen off the radar, which Nora was thoroughly pleased about. She made sure to include that in her Cas Update to Dean, who she spent more time talking to lately than just an update. She liked Dean. As crazy as his story was about Castiel being an angel and making deals with Satan and fighting monsters, Dean seemed like a totally normal, sane guy with a lot of love in his heart for her friend. Castiel sat at the computer in the nursery, typing away at a nurse's note and she glanced over at her computer screen. She had a file saved on the computer for days and had yet to print it out. She needed proof positive that it was the right thing to do. Castiel would be crushed, but maybe...

Nora walked into the nursery, seeing the two babies still in there fast asleep. "Hey, you got a minute?" she asked Castiel. He looked up and nodded. 

"Yeah, what's up?"

She sat down in the chair beside him and turned to him. "Are you happy? I mean, the last couple of weeks have been weird and you seem to be lost in thought all the time."

Castiel gave her a smile. "I'm fine, Nora. You worry too much."

"You're thinking about Dean, though...I know it," she placed a hand on his. "It's ok, Cas."

"He wanted me to leave with him, you know?"

Nora nodded. "I know. I talked to him. I know everything about your past- angel thing included."

Castiel shook his head. "I mean...apparently, I was a terrible angel. Why would I want to go back to being that?"

"Because it's who you are, Cas," she squeezed his hand, "and from the sound of it, Dean didn't think you were so terrible. He really cared about you."

Castiel worried his bottom lip. "Yeah...you know it's weird...when I'm around him I get this feeling. This kind of comfortable easement. I've never felt that way before, but I don't even know him, Nora-"

"You do. You just have to remember."

"I can't," he said, frustrated. "I can't remember anything about him."

"Maybe they know how to restore your memories," Nora shrugged. "I mean, they hunt monsters. Surely they have some kind of weird potion or magic spell or something-"

"They aren't wizards, you nerd," Castiel rolled his eyes with a smile. 

"Still, what's it gonna hurt to at least give it a try?" Nora asked. 

"I can't leave, Nora. I have a job here and I'm out of vacation time."

Nora sighed and reached into her pocket, pulling out the file she had saved on her computer. "Well...you won't need it. You're fired."

She handed him the paper and he curiously opened it, eyes widening when he read it.

"You're firing me?"

Nora gave him a smile. "I've worded it so that you are eligible for rehire if you ever wanted to come back, but this is important, Cas, I can feel it. Go, Lois Lane. Find your Clark Kent."

Castiel couldn't fight a smile. "Wow...you are such a loser."

"Bite me," she shoved him. "Now, give me your badge and get out. I'll man the baby fort. I'll find out where you're going and text you. Go."

Castiel leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Thank you."

"Keep in touch, ok? I love you."

"Love you, too," he smiled and stood up, placing his badge on the desk and, with a quick glance back at the nursery, he left the unit for the last time.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean sat at the table in the bunker, cradling a whiskey and checking his phone. Nora had texted him a couple of days before asking for a place to meet up with him. He suggested the bar in town because he wasn't exactly sure the bunker even had an address. It was almost time to meet her and his curiosity was at its peak. She was very cryptic and didn't give any details as to why she wanted to drive half way across the country just to meet up with him. He was worried something had happened to Castiel. 

"Calm down, dude, your jiggling your leg and it's making me nervous," Sam spoke from his computer on the other side of the table. 

"Why the hell couldn't she just text me? I don't like it."

"Guess you'll find out. Get going or you'll be late," he nodded to the clock on the wall. Dean rolled his eyes and stood up, grabbing his keys and coat. He made it to the bar in record time, looking around and seeing only a couple of cars with Kansas tags, so he headed in and sat down at the bar.

"Regular?" the bartender approached him and he nodded.

"You're chatty today," the bartender chuckled. "It's a little early isn't it?"

"I'm meeting someone. You haven't seen a short blond girl walking around have you?"

The bartender shook his head. "Nope. Just Jim and Bruce over there shooting pool. Some dark haired fella just went in the can, but I doubt there's a blond in there."

Dean sighed and nodded. "Thanks," he took his whiskey and kicked it back. His anticipation was reaching a plateau and he checked his phone one more time. He had a message from Nora. "Thank god," he mumbled. He opened the message and read it.

'Take care of him.'

Dean furrowed his brow and looked around the bar, looking for Nora, but instead his eyes fell on a dark haired man coming out of the bathroom.

Castiel turned to him, catching his eye and stilling. He was dressed in a black leather jacket, blue t-shirt and fitted jeans, looking absolutely stunning. He walked over to Dean and sat down. Dean was lost for words

"I've just driven for two days. I hope you have a shower in your secret underground bunker."

Dean smiled, "Um...yeah, I do."

"Good," Castiel smiled and nodded. "I also hope you have a plan to get my memories back."

Dean's eyebrows raised. "You want that?"

Castiel looked down at this hands. "I've always been curious about who I was. I just decided to give up on trying for so long and now I've met you and your brother and it feels like there's hope now."

Dean reached over and took Castiel's hand, squeezing gently. Castiel tensed a little at first, but he returned it. 

"I'm gonna do everything I can to figure out how to get them back. We have some friends who may be able to help."

Castiel smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Dean."


	5. With a Little Help From My (Friends)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo.
> 
> So this story is also on FanFiction.net. Tell your friends. Reviews give angels their wings. (Only the nice ones).

Dean was at a standstill. 

After three days of constant reading and calling every hunter he knew, he couldn't find a good solid source pertaining to memory retrieval. He had considered other options, but had tried his hardest not to explore them.

Sam finally said it.

"Dean...maybe we should call Crowley."

Dean slid his eyes closed and sighed, feeling sick. "Do we have to?"

"I'm about 95% sure he would know what to do. I don't like it either, but I don't seen any other way."

Dean rolled his eyes and nodded. "I don't think he even has his cell phone anymore. It's been what? Two years?"

Sam nodded. "It's worth a try. He may not even be willing to help us."

"He fucking owes us, man. We saved him and his psycho mother when Amara threw down with Lucifer," Dean pulled out his phone and called the number he had saved for Crowley, unsurprised when the call didn't go through.

"Screw this. We'll do this old school. Get the stuff and meet me in the dungeon. I'm gonna go see if Cas is up yet."

Castiel had gotten his own room across from Dean's, which was small but Castiel was happy with it. Dean would have much preferred Castiel sleep in his room in his bed, but Dean didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable, especially after the whole Nate debacle. When Dean peeked his head in Castiel's door, he saw the lights off and a pile of blankets over a sleeping figure. It was 8 am and Dean had been up half the night, unable to sleep. Sam joined him around 4. Dean didn't have to tell Sam why he was having trouble sleeping because it was obvious from the knowing looks his brother was giving him that he already knew.

Having Castiel back in their home again made him jittery, like he was going to crawl out of his skin. When he was gone, all he wanted to do was stay in his room and listen to music. Now, he just wanted to be out and about in case, for some reason, this is all an elaborate dream and Castiel just disappeared into thin air. 

Dean crept over carefully, taking in the soft breathing Castiel was doing. He hated to wake him up, but he wanted him there if Crowley decided to help them. Dean stilled at the sight before him.

Castiel lay shirtless on the bed, his toned chest rising and falling with his breaths. His hair was a dark mess against the white pillow beneath him. Dean could almost imagine waking up next to him just like that, rolling over and draping an arm across the flat stomach and kissing his temple. He shook his head and blinked, mentally scolding himself for being creepy.

"Cas? Cas, wake up, man," he lay a hand on Castiel's warm shoulder. Castiel stirred, blinking into consciousness. Dean gave him a smile.

"Hey, we think we may know someone who can help us. Wanna come down and talk to him with us?"

Castiel nodded and stretched, his hipbones peeking out above the waistband of his boxers. "Yeah, just um...give me a sec, ok?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure," he stuttered, eyes tearing away from the sight of so much skin. "I'll um...I'll just be downstairs in the um..."

Castiel quirked an eyebrow. "Library?"

"Yep," Dean nodded quickly and turned to walk out, forcing himself to breathe. He made his way back down the hallway and into the library, sitting down at the table and trying to think of anything but sinking his fingers into those amazingly prominent hips. Dean's lap became uncomfortable far too quickly.

After about ten minutes, Castiel appeared in jeans and a worn Duran Duran t-shirt with a hole in the collar. Dean bit back a chuckle.

"Sorry about that...I didn't think you would come in."

Dean swallowed. "No, no, it's cool. Let's go to the dungeon."

Castiel's eyes widened. "The what?"

"Trust me. You don't wanna meet this guy out here," Dean looked around the room and led Castiel down the hall to the back of the bunker. Behind the hidden shelves in the store room, Sam was setting up the summoning spell in the Devil's Trap.

"You guys...are fucking nuts," Castiel looked around, flabbergasted.

"We get that," Dean shrugged and knelt by Sam. "We got everything?"

"Yep," he pulled out his knife and sliced his hand, bleeding into the bowl. 

"So...this guy..." Castiel asked cautiously.

"Um, yeah, about that. He's a demon-"

"Naturally," Castiel nodded unbelievingly.

"He's actually the king of Hell," Sam added. "He's...a friend."

Dean gave Sam a dirty look. "Woah, woah...acquaintance."

Castiel let out a scoff. "Wow...what have I gotten myself into?"

"This used to be just a Tuesday for you, man," Sam gave a small laugh. "Don't worry- he tries anything shifty, we'll stab him in the face."

Dean nodded and Castiel, though still looking shocked and nervous, did the same. Sam spoke the incantation and in an instant, Crowley stood facing them, a look of surprise on his face.

"Squirrel, Moose...Cas?" 

Castiel swallowed nervously, "Holy shit," he mumbled under his breath.

"Not so holy," Crowley smirked.

"The shit part is accurate," Sam said snippily. Crowley rolled his eyes. 

"So, the angel lives? I thought Amara blew you to bits," he cocked his head. "Your grace is gone."

"We need your help, Crowley. Cas's memories are gone. He doesn't remember being an angel. Is there any way to get those memories back?"

Crowley fixed his eyes on Dean and grinned. "Well, well, well...after all these years, the Wonder Twins need my help-"

"You owe us, you dick," Sam spoke. "We saved your ass when Amara tried to grease you."

Crowley rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, I remember. God, you never let anything go, do you, Moose," he slipped his hands into his coat pockets. "What does our little angel remember?"

Dean and Sam turned to Castiel, who still stood like a deer in headlights.

"It was the field, right? You woke up in a field?" Dean helped him out. Castiel nodded.

"Yeah...before that, there's nothing. I mean...there are the dreams and you said that one of them really happened."

"Purgatory," Dean nodded. "Any others?"

"Um," Castiel thought back. One stuck out. "There was a dark place with a lot of old artifacts in it...you were there," he looked at Dean. "You were bleeding and telling me to stop...I was gonna stab you."

Lucifer's crypt. "Yeah," Dean nodded. "Yeah, that happened."

Castiel looked like he wanted to investigate it further, but Dean turned around, hoping to not address that specific scenario in front of Crowley. "They're there, but he can't seem to retrieve them."

Crowley nodded and sighed. "Personally, there isn't anything I can do...but Mother may know."

"No," Dean said outright. "It's bad enough we had to call you and now you want me to ask Rowena for help?"

"I don't give a damn what you do," Crowley shrugged. "Personally, I like Cas better this way. He doesn't talk so much."

"Eat me," Castiel rolled his eyes.

"Never mind," Crowley grumbled. "This one is bitchy."

Dean and Sam exchange a look with one another then Dean turns to Castiel. "What do you think, man? She's a powerful witch. She's probably our best bet."

"Demon or witch...those are my only options?" Castiel gave a soft chuckle. Dean gave him a sorrowful look, which Castiel seemed to understand. "I guess we could see what she has to say."

"Goody," Crowley said sarcastically. "Now I just have to track her down."

"You don't know where she is?" Sam questioned.

"She's been hidden from me for about three years. It's been nice and quiet. It may take a little time, but I can suss her out. I'll call when I've found her. Until then, Cas," he turned to Castiel, who gave him a questioning look, "keep that sweet disposition. It suits you," he said cheekily before disappearing. Dean rolled his eyes and turned to Castiel.

"You ok?"

Castiel nodded. "Yeah...just a lot to take in, I guess. Still not used to the fact that all these things exist and especially not used to the fact that I used to consort with them."

Sam started cleaning up the mess on the floor. "Usually with more force and less snark."

Castiel have a shallow laugh and glanced down at his feet. Dean could see he was a little overwhelmed. 

"I'm gonna go start some breakfast then take a nap. Cas, you wanna come help me?"

Castiel looked up, the mention of a normal, mundane task like fixing breakfast catching his attention. "Sure."

They settled on pancakes, bacon and eggs. Dean stood next to Castiel, frying the bacon while Castiel whisking the pancake batter. Dean had never seen Castiel cook before and figured he had to learn once he became human. He imagined tiny, ferocious Nora teaching him how to make pancakes or how to use the toaster. It made Dean a little sad that he hadn't had that experience with Castiel, but he hoped he had a few things he could teach him himself.

"Dean, you're gonna burn that," Castiel was looking down at the frying pan. Dean snapped out of it and flipped the strips over quickly, trying to recover himself. He could see Castiel smirking out of the corner if his eye.

"Oh, that's funny, huh?"

"What's funny is that you almost burned food because you were staring at me and didn't think I would notice," he gave him a knowing smile. Dean rolled his eyes but returned it. 

"Sorry, it's just funny to see you cooking. Never thought I would see the day."

Castiel's smile turned sad. "I don't remember not being able to cook. Maybe someday I can look back on it and really appreciate it."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, someday."

They finished in silence with the occasional glance or smile at the other as they maneuvered around one another. Near the end of it, Dean, who was starting to focus more on the cooking, caught Castiel humming. He placed the bacon on a plate and stopped, training his ears to hear the song. It was REO Speedwagon. He hummed along softly to 'Can't Fight This Feeling' with him and Castiel noticed and stopped.

"Why'd you stop?"

"I didn't realize I was doing it. I just usually don't sing unless I'm around the babies."

Dean couldn't fight the smile. "I think that's cute."

Castiel rolled his eyes. "They probably wish I'd shut up."

Dean laughed, dumping the scrambled eggs into a bowl. "You have a nice voice. Nora said they really seemed to like you."

Castiel shrugged. "I guess. I miss working with them."

Dean nodded. "Do you regret it? Leaving your job and coming here?"

"Well, technically, Nora fired me, but I don't regret coming here, no," Castiel placed the last pancake onto a plate with the rest. "I just miss the babies. It was weird because they had their whole life ahead of them and I could always say I was one of the first people they ever saw. Is that totally nuts?"

Dean smiled and leaned against the counter. "No. It's sweet."

Dean saw Castiel's cheeks flush. "Thank you."

For a moment, their eyes locked and a feeling of anticipation hung between them. Both seemed to want to close the space between them and throw caution to the wind, but the sound of the door of the store room closing caused them to break their gaze and return to fumbling with the utensils and plates. As they sat across from each other at the table, their eyes would occasionally lock for a brief moment and Dean's heart would thud against his chest. He had decided he was going to sit back and let Castiel come to him if that was what he wanted, however seeing the slight dilation of those blue eyes and feeling the occasional brush of Castiel's foot against his under the table he knew it would be nearly impossible.

\----------------------------------------

Dean had held to his word and after washing up he headed upstairs for a couple of hours of sleep. He was woken abruptly by Sam.

"Dean, something is wrong with Cas."

Dean tore back his covers and hurried out of the room, Sam close behind.

"We were just talking and he started acting like his head was hurting and he just passed out."

Dean rounded the corner into the sitting area off the library, where the television was playing some hospital drama and Castiel lay on the couch, motionless and a little pale.

"Cas?" Dean knelt down and took the man's face into his hands. "Come on, Cas, wake up."

"He started like...seizing, Dean. I think we may need to take him to the hospital."

"Just give me a fucking second, Sam," Dean said, panicking. Dean pushed back the damp hair from Castiel's head. He had broken into a cold sweat. "Come on, Cas," he spoke again, softer this time. After a moment, he felt Castiel trying to move his head, his eyes furrowing in pain.

"Gonna be sick," he mumbled. Sam ran over and grabbed the trash can, getting it there just in time for Castiel to vomit. Dean rubbed his back and mumbled for Sam to run and get a cold rag from the bathroom. Castiel flopped back against the couch, trying to get his bearings about him.

"What happened, Cas? Sam said you started seizing-"

"I don't know...I was sitting here talking to Sam and I heard...it sounded like someone was talking to me."

Dean furrowed his brow. "A memory, maybe?"

"Maybe," Castiel sighed, pressing his fingers over his eyes. "It hit me hard, whatever it was. I felt so powerless...useless," he seemed to zone out for a moment. Dean placed a hand on his and squeezed, seeing Castiel's eyes blink back towards his. "Before I woke up in the field...what was I doing?"

Dean swallowed, glancing over at Sam, who was looking nervous. Was now really the time?

"Dean, tell me? Was I...was I bad?"

Dean furrowed his brow. "Why would you think that?"

"The voice in my head said it was, in so many words, gonna kill you and Sam and it was gonna make me watch. It said something about...making my hands do it."

The boys sighed simultaneously, not ready to have this conversation but knowing it had to be done sometime.

"Sam...I got this."

Sam didn't try to hide his relief. "I'll um...keep looking through the archives," he nodded and clapped a hand on Castiel's shoulder. Once he was out of the room, Dean helped Castiel stand up slowly, feeling him swaying a little. 

"Hey, I gotcha. Wanna go brush your teeth and we'll talk then?"

Castiel looked a little worried, but he nodded and let Dean lead him on shaking legs to his room. Castiel quickly brushed his teeth, getting the feeling and taste of sickness out of his mouth, then walked back into the bedroom, leaning a little against the door frame. Dean sat on his bed, hands gripped in front of him with his elbows on his knees. 

"Guess it's time to tell you the story of Castiel, then," Dean let out a soft laugh. "It's long, so I hope you're comfy."

Castiel swallowed and furrowed his brow. "I get the feeling it's not a pleasant story, either."

Dean shifted over on the bed and Castiel joined him, turning his body to give Dean his full attention. "I didn't want to have to be the one. I hoped you would just remember it, but it's fucking killing me to see you in the dark."

Dean looked up into Castiel's eyes. "Are you sure you're well enough?"

"I'm better now, Dean," Castiel nodded. "Tell me."

Dean steadied himself and nodded. "Ok...about 11 years ago, Sam was killed. I sold my soul to a crossroads demon to get him back. The demon gave me a year to live. When the time came, I was killed by hellhounds. We had been hunting this demon named Lillith...that's a whole 'nother story," he waved his hand. Castiel's face showed interest despite the insanity of it all. Dean figured he was now used to the talk of monsters and demons enough so to believe it. "Four months in Hell and suddenly I was alive again...something had pulled me out. You. You said God had sent you to get me. Turned out I was a vessel for an archangel and we were supposed to fight in the Apocalypse."

"The actual Apocalypse?" Castiel's eyes widened.

"Blood, boils and all," Dean nodded. "It was a mess, but we stopped it- you, me and Sam...but not before Sam got possessed by Lucifer."

"The Devil...Sam?"

"You, too," Dean looked up into his eyes, deciding to skip over some of the worst parts of Castiel's tale to reach the end. Castiel's face went slack, color fading from his cheeks.

"Me...the voice I heard...that was Lucifer?"

"It's possible. Right before you died, or we thought you died, you were possessed by Lucifer. There was this thing called The Darkness, her name was Amara. She had killed Lucifer but you were something called a Hand of God. You were hand chosen by God and you were the only thing that could destroy her. She tried to kill you and it...bounced back or something and you just...disappeared. We thought you had exploded or something. I called out to you, but you never answered me," Dean swallowed. Damn his stupid emotions, he thought. He blinked back tears as he remembered crying into the sky, begging for the angel to return, remembered spending nights doing the same thing until he couldn't think straight anymore. Castiel noticed the hurt and tentatively reached over a placed his hand on Dean's where they were folded in front of him. Dean lifted his thumb and rubbed it softly over Castiel's.

"There's something that Old Cas didn't know, though," Dean said softly. "Something that I really wanna tell him."

"What is it?" Castiel squeezed Dean's hand. 

"When you mentioned that memory earlier...the crypt where you almost killed me," Dean turned, keeping Castiel's hand, but sandwiching it between his. "You were being controlled by an angel named Naomi-"

"It seems I had an affinity for being controlled," Castiel raised his brows. Dean shook his head.

"Not always...you were strong and powerful...you just trusted the wrong people sometimes...but anyway, you looked down at me, about to stab me and I just...I told you you were family and that I needed you. In that moment, I knew that wasn't all it was. I knew it wasn't just family love I had for you..."

Castiel's stomach fluttered, seeing the longing in Dean's eyes. 

"Then you dropped the blade and you healed me. You left and I felt so lost...I told you I loved you, but you didn't hear me."

Castiel took his free hand and took Dean's chin, pulling his eyes up to meet his. Dean's eyes were swimming.

"I hear you now, Dean," Castiel said softly, closer than Dean remembered. Dean let out a huff of air that Castiel felt on his lips and his skin tingled. Dean blinked back tears and reached up to touch the hand that held his chin. The air was thick and heavy around them and the silence was almost deafening. It felt like Dean had cotton stuffed into his ears- muffled and distant. Castiel glanced down at Dean's lips, a silent invitation for the look on Dean's face. Finally, after years of want and dreaming of this moment, Dean leaned forward and closed the space between them, pressing his lips to Castiel's, feeling a small rush of air as Castiel inhaled at the feeling. 

It was like nothing Dean had ever felt. Instead of soft, pillowy lips they were chapped with rough stubble scratching at Dean's upper lip. It was sending chills down his spine and a rush of heat toward his lap. He pressed forward a little, parting slightly to deepen the kiss. Castiel let out a soft noise and squeezed his hand around Dean's as if he were restraining himself. Dean took Castiel's hand and placed it on his own cheek, a silent invitation to not hold back. It seemed to work because Castiel slid his hand back to the nape of Dean's neck, curling his fingers into his hair and sliding closer. 

Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel's neck and pulled him down, laying him on his chest. They never broke their embrace for a moment. Castiel propped up on his elbow, raking his hand through Dean's hair and venturing his tongue out to swipe against Dean's bottom lip. Dean accepted it and it was his turn to release a soft whine as they both started to feel the heat between them, hands wandering through hair and over each other's shoulders. Finally, with difficulty, they broke their kiss, breaths heavy and eyes lidded. Dean felt a primal swirl in his stomach, seeing Castiel's bright blue eyes so dark and hazy. 

"Woah," Dean breathed out, vocalizing his surprise. A lazy smirk crossed Castiel's reddened lips. "I've never done that before."

"Kissed someone? That's hard to believe," Castiel answered, voice rough. Dean decided he enjoyed that tone of voice.

"Kissed a guy. I always thought about it, but I never wanted anyone but you."

Castiel gave him a sweet smile and rested his hand over Dean's wildly beating heart. "I hope it was a good first kiss, then."

"The best," Dean gave him a dopey smile. "Everything I hoped for...except for the fact that you don't remember me."

Castiel's eyes went sad. "I want to. It seems I cared about you a lot. I wonder...if I shared your feelings."

Dean rolled his eyes. "I doubt it. Angels don't know how to love...not really."

Castiel nodded. "I seemed different, though."

"You were. You are," Dean squeezed Castiel's neck, watching as Castiel slipped his eyes closed and leaned into the touch. "You're special, Castiel. Then and now."

Castiel opened his eyes and rested his head on Dean's chest, settling against his side. Dean pulled him close to his body and pressed his cheek into the top of Castiel's head. 

"I never actually thanked you, by the way...for taking up for me with Nate."

"You didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve half the shit you have been through in your life."

Castiel let out a soft groan, causing Dean to look down. "Cas?"

"My head," he reached up, gripping his head and squeezing his eyes shut. "God, that hurts."

"Hold on," Dean helped him up into the bed, resting his head on a pillow. Castiel fisted his hair, tears springing up in the corner of his eyes.

"It's happening again," he mumbled, curling in on himself. "Hurts-"

"I know, Cas, I know. Sam!?" he called out to his brother, hoping he could hear him. "Sammy!?"

Castiel's body tensed and shook, making Dean turn his attention back to the smaller man on the bed. "Cas, come on, it's ok, talk to me. What do you see?"

"Dark," he gritted out. "Dark and blood...pain."

Sam threw open the door, "Dean, what's-?"

"We gotta find Rowena. Something is seriously wrong with this."

Sam nodded. "I'll see what I can do. Is he ok?"

Dean reached up and carded his hand through Castiel's hair. "Keep talking to me. What do you see?"

"Useless," he mumbled. "Expendable."

"What are you talking about, Cas?"

"-don't need me," Castiel growled, tears rolling down the side of his face. Dean knew he was catching glimpses of his possession. Lucifer messed up his head, telling him horrible things. 

"Sam, find Rowena," Dean turned to his brother. Sam nodded and headed out of the room. Dean pulled Castiel close to him.

"Listen to me, Castiel, what you're hearing right now is Lucifer. Whatever he is saying to you is a lie. I'm not sure what is happening, but I'm gonna figure it out and I'm gonna help you. You're gonna be ok."

Castiel's shaking body pressed into Dean's chest and soon went slack. Dean looked down, seeing Castiel had passed out again. He lay down with the former angel, holding him to his chest and raking his fingers through his sweaty hair. "I love you, angel. I'm gonna fix you."


	6. Better Off Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is definitely a filler chapter, just saying. BUT...frotting. AMIRITE!?  
> The next one will be bigger and better, I promise.   
> Some Cas angst, however.   
> ON!

It took longer this time for Castiel to come around. After two hours, he was still out. Dean lay with him, waiting, occasionally dozing off for a few minutes before rousing himself to keep an eye on Castiel. Sam came into the room after those two hours.

"Dean? Rowena and Crowley are here."

Dean carefully slid his arm from beneath Castiel, checking his heartbeat again for his own sense of security. Still slow and steady like it was ten minutes before when he checked it. Dean followed Sam out of the room, leaving the door open just in case Castiel woke up. They entered the library to find the King of Hell drinking their whiskey with a grimace and the witch Rowena, red hair billowing around her shoulders, looking flustered.

"I was perfectly hidden before you two dunderheads had to yank me back into your insanity. What is the meaning of this?" she barked. Dean rolled his eyes.

"Nice to see you, too, Rowena. We need to know if there is a spell to retrieve memories."

"Duh. Is that all?"

"It's Cas," he looked down at her. "He's alive."

She raised her brows, a slight smirk dancing across her lips. "Castiel? Guess I'm not surprised he managed to slip away from death again. The wee lad doesn't remember who he is, I reckon?"

"There's more to it," Dean shook his head. Sam furrowed his brow. "He's started having dreams- memories coming back to him in tiny pieces. Now, he's having headaches and Sam said he had a seizure. I think Lucifer may have done something. Something doesn't smell right."

"Aside from the fact that an angel possessed by Lucifer and disintegrated by the power of God is somehow still alive? It does sound strange," she shrugged. "Where is he?"

Dean nodded down the hall and led Rowena to him, Sam and Crowley following behind. Rowena entered the room and approached the bed where Castiel was still unconscious.

"Let's see what we have going on in this pretty head," she mumbled and placed a hand to his forehead, murmuring in Latin. Her words trailed off and her eyes opened, actual worry in them.

"Oh...this is bad."

Dean sat at the edge of the bed. "What is it?"

"When he was possessed by Lucifer, Lucifer put up a sort of barrier around his memories. With his grace, he could fight it, but now...he's human. Think of the barrier as a wound. It will fester and get infected. It'll slowly spread through his body and drive him mad. He will die."

Dean's heart throbbed. "Die?"

"Removing the barrier will be difficult, but it is doable. It may take me some time to figure it out. We can discuss repayment at another time."

"Repayment? Bitch, we saved your life," Dean growled. "Now you fix him or so help me God-"

"Easy, big boy," she held up a single hand. "I will fix him. At least I'll try. All I ask is that you allow me to stay here. This place is warded and if I'm going to be stupid and come out of hiding, I should at least be smart about it."

Dean rolled his eyes and looked over at Sam, who seemed reluctant but eventually nodded.

"Fine."

"Good," Rowena gave a wide smile. "Once the barrier is removed, I will have to heal him. He will be sick for some time, but I believe I can deal with that."

Castiel stirred on the bed. Rowena stood up and brushed down her dress. "I'll get started. Tend to your angel, Winchester," she smirked at Dean. Did everyone know? Dean asked himself, but didn't ponder on it for too long. He took Rowena's place on the bed and gripped Castiel's hand.

"Hey, you with me?" he asked, seeing Castiel's eyes flutter open. 

"I think...God, I feel like crap."

"I'm going to fix that for you, dearie," Rowena patted Castiel's knee. "You'll be ship shape in no time."

She, Sam and Crowley left the room, leaving Dean and Castiel alone.

"Another demon?" Castiel asked tiredly.

"Witch," Dean assured him. "She says she'll help you. Lucifer barricaded your memories and it's...it's killing you."

Castiel's eyes widened. "I'm...dying?"

"I won't let you," Dean cupped Castiel's face in his hands. "I'm gonna make sure Rowena works day and night until she figures it out. I promise."

Castiel looked unsure, breath picking up. "I don't wanna die."

Dean lay down with him, pulling him back to his chest. "You won't. Not while I'm around."

Castiel settled back against Dean's chest and gripped the hands at his chest. "This is too much."

"I know, angel," Dean mumbled against his hair, placing a kiss at the crown of his head. "I'm here for you, though, ok? Let's just...pretend it's not happening."

"How do we pretend I'm not dying and that a witch isn't going to put a spell on me?" he asked hysterically, body trembling at the very thought.

"Close your eyes and think about something else. Something better," Dean turned him around to face him, pulling him back close to where they were only inches apart. "Where do you want to go? Anywhere in the world."

Castiel seemed to be trying to focus. "Um...the ocean."

Dean smiled. "I could use a trip to the ocean myself. Now, just close your eyes and go to the ocean. I'll be here when you get back."

Castiel searched Dean's eyes for a moment, the panic slowly disappearing from them and something like adoration replaced it. Castiel leaned in a kissed Dean, sliding his hand to Dean's waist and squeezing his hip. 

"Actually...I'm ok to just stay here."

Dean nodded. "Me, too."

Dean resumed their kiss and slid his hand up Castiel's back, gently massaging the tight muscles of his shoulder. Castiel rolled them so that he was over Dean again, hips safely not touching, though both of them sort of wished they were. It must have been obvious what they both wanted by the increased intensity of their kisses. Castiel shifted a little, moving to slip a leg between Dean's and gasped when he felt Dean's half-hard cock press against him. 

"If you want me to stop, just tell me," Castiel said breathily against Dean's lips. Dean shook his head and placed a hand to the small of Castiel's back, pressing down to resume the delicious feeling the friction was giving him. Castiel's eyes grew darker at the feeling and a groan rolled through his chest. Dean had never had another man's cock pressing against his own but it was definitely a pleasant experience. Castiel took the hint and started gently thrusting his hips, causing Dean to moan and arch his back against the feeling. Castiel took the opportunity to lean down and place kisses to Dean's throat and jaw, pausing to suck at his pulse point. Dean wrapped an arm around Castiel's waist and thrusted up to meet him. 

"Dean, fuck, that feels good," Castiel groaned against his ear. 

"This is embarrassing as hell, but I'm close," Dean rolled his eyes back, concentrating on the growing heat in his groin.

"Me, too," Castiel bit down on the soft skin just behind Dean's ear, making the hunter bite back a potentially loud moan and suddenly felt the heat in his belly burst as he came in his jeans like a teenager. 

"Come on, baby," Dean mumbled against Castiel's ear, reaching up into his hair and giving it a gentle tug. It was all Castiel needed and he stuttered his hips, dropping his forehead into Dean's shoulder and suppressing his own series of moans. Dean couldn't believe it had actually happened, but he had just come in his pants for the first time in 25 years rutting up against his angel.

Dean turned his head to rest his forehead against Castiel's temple, placing a breathless kiss to his hair. Castiel finally slid over, fitting himself against the side of Dean's body. 

"Wow...I haven't come that fast in years," Dean said hoarsely. Castiel let out a breathless laugh.

"Yeah, I don't think I've ever come that fast."

Dean looked over at Castiel, his bright blue eyes practically glowing. When they met Dean's, he smiled and Dean returned it.

"We should probably change. This is about to get gross," Castiel nodded toward their laps.

Dean nodded. "Are you ok?"

Castiel smiled and kissed him softly. "My head still hurts, but...yeah. If you say you won't let me die, then I trust you."

"It's true. I...I love you."

Castiel's eyes flicked down to his lips then back into his green eyes. "I love you, too, Dean."

___________________________________________

It was almost a week before any real progress had been made. Rowena mostly kept to herself in the dungeon at the desk Dean had set up for her. Castiel was getting worse by the day, more blackouts and headaches, less eating. Dean did his best not to smother Castiel, settling for sleeping in his own room with the door open so he could see directly into Castiel's if something happened. True to his word, he spent a lot of time in the dungeon with Rowena, drilling into her the magnitude of the situation. They didn't talk if it wasn't about the spell she was working on.

One day, however, she shot him a side eye.

"So...you're in love with the angel."

He stilled his hand where he was flipping through an old spell book only briefly before returning to the task at hand, trying to ignore the slimy grin creeping across her lips.

"Come on, Dean, no need to be shy about it."

"You're talking too much," he grumbled. "Keep doing whatever the hell it is you do and shut up."

She huffed a sigh. "I knew it," she returned to writing down something she was transcribing from the codex. "Always have, you know. Why else would you be so hell bent on saving someone that wasn't Sam. In my experience, you have no trouble letting people die."

"I mean it, Rowena, drop it. Work," he glanced up at her. She rolled her eyes and kept writing. Dean slid his eyes closed, feeling a headache coming on. "I'm gonna go eat something and see if I can force feed Cas. You don't get a break."

"Wouldn't dream of it," she said with feigned cheer. "We're getting close, Dean. And if it's any matter to you...I hope it works."

He furrowed his brow, looking back at Rowena as he was turning away. She gave him what looked like a sincere look. 

"I mean it. I hate you, your brother, and the angel, but that's mostly selfish. Believe it or not, I've lost people I love. You have, too. We know how badly it hurts and what you discover you are capable of when they aren't around. I suppose if we save him, you may find a wee bit of peace."

She turned back to the codex, scribbling on the notebook in front of her. Dean didn't know how to respond to that. He wasn't even sure if she was being serious, but it made him feel better about leaving her down there to work alone.

Dean rummaged through the kitchen, throwing together two PB&J sandwiches and said a silent prayer that Castiel would eat it and keep it down. When he entered Castiel's room, the man was asleep like he usually was when Dean would check on him. He set the sandwiches and water on the table and sat down, running his fingers through Castiel's hair. It was damp with sweat and he obviously had a fever.

"Cas, I have lunch," he said softly, gently shaking him. He stirred slowly, grimacing in pain before opening his eyes. Dean could see the sickness in them and it broke his heart. "Could you try and eat?"

Castiel gave a slow nod and tried to sit up, swaying a little once he got up to the headboard.

"Just take a sec," Dean squeezed his warm hand. He handed him the glass of water and Castiel slowly sipped it. "Talk to me, how do you feel?"

Castiel swallowed and set the glass on the table. "Freezing."

Dean gave him a soft smile. "It's colder on this end of the bunker. Do you wanna go sit up front for a while. The living room has a fireplace."

"Sure," Castiel nodded. "If I can get up without falling over."

"I'll help you," Dean stood up and held out a hand for Castiel to take. He was shaky, but he did just fine on his own. Dean walked behind him with the water and sandwiches, ready to drop them both if Castiel fell. They got to the living room and Castiel sat heavily on the couch, scrunching his nose against the ache in his body from the fever.

"Want me to get you anything?" Dean set down the plate in front of Castiel before turning to the fireplace, stacking a couple of logs on top of the previously used ones.

"You do too much already, Dean. I'm ok," Castiel said, shivering a little. Dean lit the fire and rolled his eyes when he saw Castiel's legs drawing up to his chest.

"Shut up," he grabbed a blanket from the end of the sofa and handed it to Castiel. "Now, do you want anything?"

"I want you to sit down and eat a damn sandwich with me. You look about as bad as I do," Castiel wrapped the blanket around his shoulders. "I mean it, sit down."

Dean bit back a laugh and shook his head, kicking off his boots and sitting down by Castiel on the couch. Castiel picked at his sandwich while Dean at his, trying not to pry Castiel too much, but after only a few bites, Castiel was putting it down and leaning forward, resting his head on his palms.

"You ok?"

"This just sucks. I mean, I have been sick, but these voices..."

"What are they saying now?" Dean asked. Castiel shook his head.

"I don't know, it's jumbled, like I'm in a crowded room but sometimes I recognize one- you or Sam or that weird witch lady...I hear words in some other language, too."

"Probably Enochian. Angel language. Do you see anything?"

"Constantly. It feels like it blurs into reality sometimes, though...feels like I'm going nuts."

Dean placed his half-eaten sandwich on the plate and slid to the end of the couch, closer to the fire. He rested one leg up on the couch and held a hand out for Castiel.

"Come here," he motioned for Castiel and the smaller man moved down the couch, fitting himself up against Dean's chest, crossing his legs at the ankles. Dean fixed his blanket around him and wrapped his arm around Castiel's chest.

"Comfy?"

"Mmhm," Castiel mumbled, eyes drooping. Dean smiled and kissed his head. 

"Good. Rowena says she's getting close. Soon, you'll be just fine."

"I'm worried, Dean," Castiel said quietly.

"I know, but I'm sure whatever she's gonna do is safe-"

"Not about the spell...about remembering."

Dean furrowed his brow. "What are you worried about?"

"From what I can get...Dean, I did some bad things. I see my hands killing people, burning eyes out...it's all so horrible."

"It wasn't all horrible."

Castiel turned to face Dean. "I've seen myself hitting you. Beating you bloody...Dean, I don't wanna remember all that."

"I'm not letting you die, Cas," Dean's voice became firm.

"What if it's better than remembering!?" Castiel stood shakily, tossing off his blanket. He swayed a little, but he lifted his arms, gripping his hair. "What if being dead is being better than what I was-?"

"Stop it," Dean stood up and grabbed his shoulders. "Don't even talk like that. You haven't been telling me everything, have you?"

Castiel rolled his shoulders, trying to shrug Dean off, but his body wasn't strong enough against Dean's grip.

"Castiel, what's going on?" Dean met Castiel's eyes after a moment, concern growing in his gut. Castiel swallowed hard.

"Nothing...it's just all too much," he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Dean's waist and resting his head on Dean's shoulder. Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel, the bones of his shoulders more noticeable than before.

"Seriously, man, you need to eat something. If this sickness or whatever it is doesn't kill you, you'll waste away," Dean pulled him back over to the couch and sat back down with him. Castiel got settled back in and Dean went to stand, but Castiel gripped his arm, holding him there for a moment.

"I'm sorry, Dean...I didn't mean to upset you."

Dean swallowed and reached up to cup Castiel's cheek. "It's ok, Cas. Hearing you talk like that, it just scares me. To me you have been dead for years and now that you aren't dead I just can't let you go again. Especially not now."

Castiel nodded and squeezed Dean's arm. "Then I guess I don't have a choice, huh?"

"Nope," Dean forced a smile. Castiel turned and kissed Dean's palm.

"I'm gonna just stay in here for a while...the sandwich was good, by the way."

"You used to like peanut butter and jelly so I wagered a guess," Dean shrugged and kissed Castiel's forehead. "I'm gonna go check on Rowena."

Castiel nodded and watched Dean leave, his chest aching a little as he slid his eyes closed. Dean was right. Dean didn't know everything. He couldn't, especially after he had said what he had said about losing Castiel again. Castiel felt a tear slide down his face for about the third time that day.

Dean entered the dungeon to find Rowena, looking up at him with a smile.

"Good news, lover boy...I've got the spell. Won't be long now."


End file.
